


Cocky-A@# Pigeon

by BlissHellfire



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, No animals were harmed in the making of this fic, shitpost, tw physical and emotional abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:16:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27493342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlissHellfire/pseuds/BlissHellfire
Summary: Buisness Birbs having a very serious business meeting.
Relationships: Sans (Undertale)/Original Character(s)





	Cocky-A@# Pigeon

**Author's Note:**

> For Birbs.  
> By Birbs.  
> For Birb Ears and Birb Eyes Only.  
> Do not enter if not Birb.

If one could describe Zanax in three words it would be cocky ass pigeon.

If you had more, you’d go for a raging hive of hornets.

If you had all the time in the world, you’d write a three-thousand-word novella consisting of  
ass” on repeat because they aren’t worth the time to describe in that level of detail.

Zanax glowers over the useless bunch of feathers at the table. All of them. The _entire_ board of directors refuse to speak up. Some clean themselves compulsively. Others seats were empty, finding themselves _in-disposed_ for the most important day of their lives. “Do ANY of you have any idea?”

Adderall hesitantly raises a wing. If the look Nyquil sent that sorry excuse for a pigeon had heat, the poor bird would be set on fire. To put it lightly, Adderall didn’t volunteer any further ideas. Zanax hopes Adderall wouldn’t consider volunteering any _ever_ again, certainly NOT after the whole debacle with the exploding phones. Like… how much money did they lose from that scandal? Though, this did neglect the fact that Zanax approved the project. However, mentioning that would be counter-productive.

Zanax struts along the table. “We need ideas people!” They clap.

Out of the corner of their eye, Zanax catches a flash of feathers. Without hesitation, they fling the nearest brief case. The squawk that Ibuprofen made wasn’t enough. Not NEARLY enough! They leap off the table, landing near Ibuprofen’s feet. He twitches helplessly. “If you’ve got such a great idea, it’s worth leaving in the MIDDLE of our little meeting. Then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind volunteering it.”

“Ngghhhh,” Ibuprofen groans. “Maybe tomorrow….”

Zanax dives for the little shits neck, only to get slapped by his wing. “You bitch!” The fresh cut on their cheek weeps.

“Oops,” Ibuprofen twitches, still semi-conscious on the ground. “Sorry, my wing slipped. Ready for round two?”

None too keen on testing the full untapped strength of a perturbed seagull, Zanax sighs. “Fine. You’re off the hook for now…” Zanax barely manages to dodge another wing. “FINE! You’re off for the week! Happy??? Now get the **fuck** out of here!”

“Thanks, boss!” He says before merrily sprinting out.

Zanax flaps back to the table. They collapse, in the most dignified way a business pigeon can, by knocking over copious amounts of important documents which need to be kept in a very particular order.

“How are we supposed to sell this worthless crap to humans??? They won’t even watch the grain damn ads anymore. Nyquil!!!” Zanax groans.

A very strung out owl rolls off their chair at the head of the table. A cacophony of gasps follows. “Oh thank the wrigglers,” Miralax the stellar jay comments. “We’re saved!”

“Mix! Oh corn, I thought you’d never wake up! I have a very important job for you…. find out what these kids want. Is it stick bugs? Dancing? Communism? Piss??” Zanax crawls on their claws and wings.

By now, Nyquil rises from their semi-stupor.

“What do they want?!!! What do these damn money machines want? I can’t take it! I need to know. I can’t keep all six yachts if this doesn’t work. Please, Mix! You’re my only hope!!”

Nyquil eyes roll into the back of their head, white smoke curls from their nostrils.

“What do they want?” Zanax sobs. “I don’t understand! Not anymore! The world’s too big, and I’m just so smol.”

In a deep, booming voice, Nyquil says, “THEY. WANT…”

“WHAT??? What do they want, Mix?? Please, I need to know.”

“… DEATH.”

“Mix?” Zanax crawls up Nyquil’s feathers to headbutt him. “You fucking idiot! How are we supposed to make money on dead kids?”

Miralax chirps, “Worked well last time. Worth a shot!”

Zanax squawks, “JUST because it worked **once** , _doesn’t_ mean it’ll work again. We need long term solutions, people! Not _I need_ _5 million dollars right now but fuck next quarter_ solutions.” Zanax dramatically flops onto their back as the reality of the situation sets in. They gasp. “I cant—we can’t—Oh nonononono.”

“Um.. sir?” Benadryl the chickadee whispers, “should we call the specialist?”

Nyquil flops to the side and his eyes return to normal. In a surfer dude voice, they ask, “Why are we… birds?? again??? More importantly, dudes, where’s my… cappuccino?”

“For the last time,” Zanax groans, “we’ve been birds for the past 5 years. Don’t act like we were turned yesterday! The Gods still haven’t forgot the time we jacked up inhalers 150%. So until we find that fucking god’s chalice, we’ll be birds forever!” Zanax knocks over a bag of bird seed, flapping his wings wildly.

“Boss bro… I already knew that. But thanks for the awkward recap… I guess.”

“Your welcome,” Zanax huffs. “And yes, Benadryl, the specialist would be most helpful right about now.”

Several minutes later…

“knock knock.” A voice says through the semi-transparent door.

Zanax opens their mouth to say something only for Benadryl to chirp excitedly, “who’s there?!”

“owl.”

“Owl who?”

“owl be there soon.”

Zanax pinches their beak, “you’re already here, moron.”

“technically, i’m outside.” the voice says. “nyquil still alive?”

“Indeed!” Benadryl trills. “They’re foaming at the mouth, they are having the _best_ time!”

“SPECIALIST!” Zanax squawks, nobody ignores someone as important as them in _their_ board meeting.

“Zanax?” the voice calls. “Is that my favorite business pigeon?”

A light bulb goes off in Zanax’s little bird brain, “Benadryl…. that can’t be the specialist. That sounds like _Sans_ , the one who scammed us last time!!”

“uhh…” the skeleton peaks into the room, he adjusts his thick browed glasses and huge ass nose. The tape on his ear holes finally secure. “hate to break it to you but i’m ness, not sans.”

“Well, NESS, or whatever your name is!”

“it’s ness.”

Zanax fumes with barely restrained furry. If they didn’t require a specialist right at this very moment, they would peck that fucker’s eyes out. “If you are _anything_ like Sans, we’ll kick you to the curb. And Benadryl? I hope he’s as good as you say he is.”

Benadryl barely restrains a giggle. “He sure is!”

“I’m a bonefied expert on all things marketing.” Sans tugs at his backpack for good measure. “soo… what seems to be the problem—” Suddenly, Sans whirls around caught by a violent sneeze, then hisses something under his breath. Luckily, none of them heard, too distracted with the charts.

“These are the charts from last decade.” The charts are covered with bar graphs. The first one Sans sees details the 201X. First year, only hit “meh” on the scale. Second year got all the way up to “cool beans.” However, the latest year of 202X says “craptastic,” judging by the scale, it doesn’t seem positive, going solely on the fact that it drops below the x-axis. Not only that, it’s triple that of “meh” and double of “cool beans.”

Sans nods sagely, “I see the problem. You need a new product.” He pulls out a number of goodies from his backpack.

Zanax sifts through all manner of products to find what they’re looking for. It’s a rock covered in pink glitter. Not to be mistaken with pet rocks. As all children know, a rock isn’t a pet until you add googly eyes.

“They’re called uh.. pixie pebbles.” Sans snaps his phalanges.

“I’ve seen something like this before… if this is one of those scams—"

“nope, candy. not actual rocks. humans can’t digest rocks.”

“Neither can we, but we eat them anyway. What’s your point??” Zanax snaps.

Sans gets ready to sneeze but manages to catch himself. “they need a little ahhhh… sugar to help the medicine go down, ya know? humans’ll love em.”

Five minutes later, Sans leaves with a happy bank account and no glitter covered rocks left. Zanax always goes for the rocks. For once, he actually brought something somewhat useful out of curiosity. It was a high-powered laser. But no, the pigeon was only interested in the sparkly rocks, not the boring eight-foot-tall laser. Gosh, humans who’ve been damned to be birds are so predictable. He sighs satisfactorily as he walks to the elevator. “that should cover this month’s mortgage. all in a good day’s work for this ol’ bag of bones.”

He sneezes. “shit.”

Then keeps sneezing all the way down.

“Why did it have to be birds?”

**Author's Note:**

> *crosses my fingers that I won't delete this*
> 
> Sources Cited:  
> (1) A pigeon who refused to cross the road and instead walked in the same direction of the car that could run it over.
> 
> (2) tumblr post  
> boredlord: What do teens like?!? Is it memes? Meme about skeletons? Piss? Communism?  
> sexhaver: This post is 20x funnier if you imagine a ceo shouting it at his board of directors.
> 
> (3) https://www.knockknockjokes.nu/animal-jokes/bird-jokes/  
> the owl knock knock


End file.
